i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
