We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
