my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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