i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
