i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
