TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
