so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
