my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
