I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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