just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
