If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
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I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
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When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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