Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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