When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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