ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
