I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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