My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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