I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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