i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
