Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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