i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
