Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
