i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
