There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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