Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
