A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
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I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
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However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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