Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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