even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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