girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
