Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
