she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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