I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
