If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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