Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
