What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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