So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
