By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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