I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
