Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
