Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
