I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
i am craving dick and cupcakes
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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