i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
be right there i have to get my cape
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
