Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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