dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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