my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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