She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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