Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
