Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
