She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
