i just sent this text using only my big toe
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
