i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
