I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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