We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
