dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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