Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
