I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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