I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
