She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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