I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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